Autism and Masking: Navigating Safety, Identity, and Self-Connection
Autism has become a deeply politicized topic recently. Public discourses surrounding autism often swing between two extremes. On one side, autism is framed as a tragic disorder to be cured if not eradicated. On the other side, autism is touted as a superpower. The problem is, a person’s identity should never be reduced to a political topic to be debated and scrutinized. In this precarious climate, it can feel unsafe for autistic people to express their authentic selves and live out the nuanced human experience that is autism.
By Mariah Braun, Kindred Roots Therapist
It is no wonder so many autistic people feel like they have no other choice but to suppress their autistic traits to feel safe within our world. Autistic masking is a term popularized by the autistic community and refers to the conscious or unconscious act of suppressing one’s autistic qualities in order to appear more neurotypical. Examples of masking include:
suppressing stims
heavily monitoring body language and facial expressions
forcing eye contact
memorizing social scripts
forcing oneself to wear clothes that are a sensory nightmare
Before continuing, it is important to note that masking is not a universal autistic experience. Not all autistic people are able- or compelled- to mask. This post isn’t meant to discredit those experiences, but rather to shed light on the nuanced reality of masking for those who do engage in it.
Masking is related to the fawn response, which is one of the body’s four survival responses (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn). When presented with a threat to one’s safety, the body rallies its survival instincts to help keep us safe. Fawning helps keep us safe by overly prioritizing the needs and comfort of others at the expense of oneself. This may reduce conflict, abuse, and ostracization; however, it also slowly erodes one’s sense of self. Further, when fawning begins in childhood, one may never have the chance to explore and connect to their authentic self.
Masking is also quite taxing on the brain. Autistic people tend to think their way through social situations, relying more heavily on the brain’s prefrontal cortex. They consciously think through things like, “that person just laughed. Are they laughing at me or with me? I can’t quite tell. Maybe I should laugh too so it’s not weird.” Or, “That person just asked me if I wanted a drink. Do they mean it or is this one of those social formalities? I am thirsty. Would it be ok to ask for some water? Oh wait, that other person just said no. Maybe it is just a formality and I’m supposed to say no too.” Conversely, neurotypicals tend to navigate social situations using brain regions that are more intuitive and automatic, making social interactions more seamless and less taxing.
These are just a few of the reasons that masking can lead to anxiety, burnout, depression, and lack of meaningful connections with others.
So what can an autistic person do? On one hand, the world is not always a safe place for someone to be openly autistic. On the other hand, masking poses risks to one’s sense of self, ability to form genuine relationships, and mental wellbeing. While some are quick to suggest the need to “just unmask,” this overlooks the fact that masking emerged as a survival strategy and is not easily abandoned.
The simultaneously scary and empowering truth is that each autistic person can decide for themselves what feels right as far as masking and unmasking goes. A life of chronic fawning can make it hard to even tune in with “what feels right,” so here are some thoughts to get you started:
You don’t have to unmask if it doesn’t feel safe.
Masking may still be the most effective way for you to stay safe physically, relationally, financially, or otherwise, and that is 100% valid. It’s also valid to be frustrated or grieve this reality.
Unmasking isn’t all-or-nothing
You don’t have to either hide your autistic traits completely or reveal them fully. Consider which environments, people, or moments feel safe enough to let your guard down- even just a little. Think of unmasking as a spectrum, not a switch.
Connect with your emotions, even if they don’t “make sense”
Masking trains us to focus on what we should feel. Practice tuning into what you’re actually feeling instead. A feelings wheel can be a helpful tool to build emotional vocabulary and awareness. And remember: your emotions are valid even if you can’t point to an observable “reason” for feeling them.
Start honoring your needs
Masking teaches us to minimize our own needs to please others. The problem is, we cannot erase our needs, and perpetually unmet needs can lead to crisis or burnout. Consider small moments where you can prioritize your needs. Remember: Your needs are valid, period.
Question the “shoulds”
Consider how many of your daily choices are driven by things you feel you “should” do. Which ones might be safe to let go of? Letting go of unnecessary shoulds can make space for more authentic choices.
Explore what brings you joy
Masking often leads us to prioritize other people’s interests over our own. Getting curious about what you like can help you reconnect with your identity and rediscover your joy. This is a key part of reclaiming your sense of self.
Consider working with a therapist
Therapy can be a supportive space to explore your history with masking, understand the contexts in which it began, and gently build tools to reconnect with your authentic self.
By Mariah Braun
As part of the Kindred Roots Therapy team, I am a neurodivergent person and can offer you a perspective based on real lived experience and understanding. Please reach out to book a 15 minute consult.